September brings new prompts, and today’s prompt is ironically quite fitting for my mood— after all, I’ve been thinking about it a lot the last week or so.
My hardest “friend break up” was with my best friend last year. We’d been friends for 10 years—friends that had pledged themselves to one another. Said we’d never bail. We were there for one another through thick and thin. Coming to terms with the fact that she bailed for good has not been easy, to say the least. I had trust issues before—now I pretty much believe that anyone will leave me at some point. It’s left a scar on my heart I’m not sure will ever heal fully.
We’d went through so many things together—most of my fondest high school memories, photos, memorabilia… most of it is attached to her in some way. My nickname, Bee, is one she gave me. All I can think of in regards to high school is how our reunion is in 2 years (God, time flies…), and my entire high school memory is tainted with her presence. I don’t remotely see how it will be enjoyable to attend.
I miss our inside jokes. So many of them still crop up in my mind when something triggers them, and I smile before the pang of hurt follows closely after. I truly believe it was mental illness on both ends that finally drove us apart. That led to lies and deception… and personality clashes that led to ugly fights. But I thought we’d somehow always make it better.
I guess I was wrong.
I started dating a guy online this past spring. I don’t want to go into major details on the why and how we broke up… but I do want to say he was a shining light in my darkness. I’d be lying if I said, despite the reasons, I wasn’t still drawn to him. Only, I’m scared… I don’t know how much of it is because I truly love him and how much of it is because I’m just weak and seeking comfort.
I wanted to tell her about him. Literally the day before it went sour, I had fallen asleep and dreamed of telling her about him… just sitting on the couch, discussing where my life had turned. A message from him on my phone pulled me out of the dream, and I broke down. He tried comforting me, saying it was all her loss… but it doesn’t make the sting go away. My best friend abandoned me when I needed her most. She’s not here to experience my joys and sorrows anymore.
He didn’t know until recently, but my life seems to have some ironic sense of humor— I never told him really anything about her, not even her name, so there’s no way he could have lied about it. But he and this friend share a birthday. Of all the chances, they are born on the same day. I feel like I was made to never forget about her.
I wish I could say it all heals in time. I don’t know that it does. It’s been almost a year since our falling out, and 6 months since she closed the door for good. I’m learning not to cry every time I think of her, so if you’d call that progress, then I guess it is. Doesn’t mean the pain isn’t still there. It’s just dulled, or I’ve become a bit more numb to it than a fresh wound. So many have tried to tell me I’m better off without her. Maybe I am, I don’t know. But that still doesn’t eliminate the pain.